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i dont care that im falling apart
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[25 Mar 2009|04:10pm] |
faaaaaaaaaaaaaaags
how do you delete these things again?
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[26 Jan 2008|07:13pm] |
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I only ever type here because i dont want to write with my hand, because im too lazy, or i cant find a pen. Usually its the laziness, maybe its the attention.
Love and common sense seem to blur, maybe not common sense maybe.. i dont know. When you love someone thats all you see, thats all you know, through all the bad, through all the hurt, through all the everything, even when every day every part of it hurts, and you dont even know why, you stay, because love is supposed be the end all be all of everything right?. The sides stop balancing each other out over time and you realize something, you come to some sort of decision, at least thats what i'd expect.
I spend my time thinking and writing about a girl, who doesnt think or write about me half as much.
I want security and stability, she wants endless freedom, who am i to stop her or hold her back? I used to think i was ready, and she wasnt, now as ready as i think i am...8 months later, im less ready than i ever was. Im getting angrier at everything, or more and more scared, i contradict everything i think, one second i might think "chill, everything will be ok and we'll ride this out", soon after ill think "whats the point? its going to end anyways". I cant believe in anything because of all that has happened, ive done more and stuck around through more than anyone else but I am in no place to handle these kind of thoughts, the truth is im unhappy with my life and my situation as a whole, but i suppose these things cant be so rough forever, its just being 21 and trying to be on your own, trying to figure yourself out and pay bills and make friends, and find some sort of relationship, some sort of connection so briefly you know you arent alone in this world, even if we really are.
When youre in love, you want everything to be perfect, but when you have different perceptions of "perfect" how do you compromise? how do you find a common ground? I've tried to give up certain things, and accept certain things to find a common ground, but it shouldnt hurt, it shouldnt hurt for no reason. I hate my brain, its covered in scars. I spend a lot of time thinking about really stupid things i wish i could talk to someone about, like tattoos and how i hate the way people dress, or the way id like to dress, or diet plans, or paintings id like to do, shows tha are coming up, how i dont buy most peoples false pretentious showy attitude...and how i dont get how anyone else can fall for it, how itll get you nowhere in the future other than you looking back at yourself talking about how you were an idiot. Im sure ill do that someday. The truth is I cant tell if im better, sometimes i feel like i am, sometimes i feel like the exact opposite, there's no healthy middle...no healthy medium. its one extreme or another, i realize i live very black or white, maybe thats what creates so many problems in my head. I have this self image of myself that is quite far off from the truth evidently.
How can anyone listen to none more black more than kid dynamite, how can someone search for such pointless menaingless ends again and again? what will you ever get from these? our time here is short, id rather find that meaningful connection and build it, then 50 random shitty ones, to each their own...im too stupid to comprehend anything anymore. Nothing on a real level interests me all that much, politics a little bit, scholastics not so much, enviromental issues? not a chance, new jawbreaker album? i'd flip my shit. Cool priorities.
Im going to lay in my bed tonight, and probably not do much of anything other than overthink and overanalyze every part of my life and come to depressing conclusions, whats so appealing about self destruction anyways?
My advice is to make as many connections as possible, because then some of them HAVE to last, some of them have to really mean something.. on both ends... but dont get too invested, dont let yourself get hurt, but get hurt...so you can feel alive because theres no avoiding this.
I dont know anything about anytihng, i dont think i ever will. I realize the bonds i think are strong arent always as strong as I think, or vice versa. I only know how to say when it feels good or when it hurts. Lately though, it always hurts.
(insert shitty drawing here)
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[12 Dec 2007|07:32am] |
i cant sleep
this trip hasnt even started and im miserable, i dont want it to start this way.
fuck my life
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[11 Dec 2007|04:37am] |
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jivejournal
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[09 Dec 2007|01:48pm] |
silent scream
crucify the bastard son
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[30 Oct 2007|01:00am] |
im really tired
and im listening to that brand new cd that nothing good can come of
and livejournal has died a thousand deaths, ever since myspace or facebook or whatever hip internet sensation is taking over this week, i wanted to read my friends lists but theres no friends that write anymore
derpsh is sitting in the corner of the room slowly falling asleep, i wonder whats so comfrotable about the corner under the table, whatever i used to sleep under tables as a kid, i loved that shit.
im so tired, what the fuck lately its like i dont get any sleep ever, i want to sleep all through tomorrow just so i can feel rejuvenated on wednesday, so i can feel solid for adouble shift at work lol halloween, sweet holiday i didnt even notice it was coming this year, i guess thats part of getting older, holidays become less and less important and noticeable, thats a bummer, i guess theyll become important again when i have a family and i can go through making them real for someone else all over again, i look forward to it on some level.
i need to get my life together and start school and get healthier and buy a car and get credit and do adultish things on some level and start actually moving in a direction, i feel like the ambition is actually coming to me in a small way so things can only get better i suppose.
Things are good, so im just going to say i love you, youre beautiful i always want to be around you and i always want to feel your touch, and hear your laugh. this has been the bumpiest ride ever and there are always curve balls but right now it feels better than ever, and im trying to be better and ive got my fingers crossed well make this work, i want to bring out the best in you and have you bring out the best in me and make a million more inside jokes at 3 am before you fall asleep with your head on my chest, so again, i want to make it work.
this brand new cd isnt so bad when you havent got so much to be sad about
i miss so much and i never stop thinking about how much i miss certain things, i probably never will someone fucking take me to tallahassee i want it so bad, someone give me west palm, and give me boston, and give me my friends from all over the nation, give me all my problems that seemed bigger than the whole world when i was in 11th grade, give me back skipping school and failing out and never doing homework, give me all of that back just for a little longer. i dont know what i want to do with my life but i do know what i want out of it, im not different than anyone else.
ill probably(hopefully) never write in this thing again, i love everyone.
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[13 Oct 2007|03:10am] |
I'll never sleep, only less than 48 and counting at this rate, its hard not to feel this way when you know what you know and you know what youve got but you dont know what they want, you just want it to be that one thing.
this whole world is going to pass me by, and at this point i just dont fucking care anymore, im sick of all these popularity contest and brain-dick measuring games, i grew up faster than half the people i know, i got shit on twice as hard and im still here and if ive got some scars and some insecurities then im sorry.
the only advice i have left, for anyone or for myself is to hold on as long as you can, and hold it in as much as you can, and then when you hit that breaking point.. well then see what happens, we cant dwell forever im growing stronger every day, pretty soon ill achieve the ultimate status of never feeling again, its inevitable at this point.
I measure myself all the wrong ways and i always come up short, everyones words are completely empty to me.
ive never felt so ashamed to feel so much before.
When all is said and done, and all weve said weve done, im at the end of the line still, nothing changes, i want 11th grade summer back, i want the friendship we had back, i want to stop falling behind.
my stomach is in 100 knots, just like it always is.
i dont know why i typed this here, it felt right.
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[19 Sep 2007|02:22am] |
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alive and well.
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[26 Feb 2007|02:43am] |
as soon as someone tells me how, im going to delete this thing. i dont much care for most of the shitty spurt of the moment cry baby entries ive written in here, and more and more i dont want people to know anything about me or whats going on in my life.
things are ok, things will always be ok, sometimes theyre good and sometimes theyre bad but you always land on your feet, i always land on my feet, ive been dealing with bullshit my whole life and im not dead yet so i have nothing to complain about i guess, but im over this whole concept, lets hope i dont come back.
listen to rise and fall and do art and do whatever makes you happy, dont waste your lives, im over it.
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[17 Feb 2007|03:37am] |
Friends, tonight i come to you to talk about something serious. A huge problem i have with the way things are going lately, what is it I'm talking about? The way most of you probably haven't seen Norbit yet of course.
I'm going to ask a question now, a pretty general question but I want you all to think long and hard about your answers, ok? Ok here goes...
Do you love laughing?
If you answered "no" then you are a piece of shit and i don't really care what you think, go fuck yourself seriously.
Now, if you answered "YES" then Norbit is the feel good, side splitting all out laugh riot of the year, decade, century, forever. Look out Criterion collection, you've got another title coming your way! Seriously, this film is on the same level as "Casablanca", "Gone With The Wind", or even "In The Army Now"
Anyways, Eddie Murphy has really outdone himself this time, playing not one, or two but three characters, seriously how does this guy do it??? One of them is even an old asian man!! i tell you, i tried to keep the LOL'z from coming but it was fucking impossible.
Norbit's wife, Rasputia is the kind of lady any guy would want, that Norbit really is one lucky son of a gun, from the way she constantly accuses him of "adjusting her seat" to her he-freakin-larious catch phrase "howYOUdoin?" which was always perfectly timed to send me into a spiral of uncontrollable laughter, at one point i think i shat myself in the theater but didn't dare get up and miss a second of this comic gold.
Really what can i say about this movie that hasn't already been said? Genius, Amazing, Brilliant, 15 stars, 11 thumbs up, you get it, this movie will forever change cinema, forever. All in all what I'm saying is, go see this movie, do yourself a favor, it'll change your perspective on everything, and you'll forever be a better person.
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[14 Feb 2007|03:11am] |
At work the other day a woman asked me for a ten oz burger, i told her i had ten ounces for her , she asked to speak to a manger and i told her i was the manager and if she didn't like the way i ran things then maybe she shouldn't be dining at the 5 star restaurant known as the hard rock cafe. She quickly shut her mouth, i brought her out a salmon pasta, knowing she hadn't ordered that, i also farted in it before i brought it out to her, she ate it quickly and hungrily and told me it was the best she'd ever had and that she was a food critic for the new yorker, more like the new jerker am i right? the only thing i could think of was that cartoon "the critic" and the way that he always said "it stinks" oh the irony.
Happy Valentine's day scumbags.
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[11 Feb 2007|01:23pm] |
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Today I woke up and farted 3 times. The second one was the nicest. I think I have to change my poopy pants now. :0
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[11 Feb 2007|04:01am] |
Everyone in the world finds solace in the same stupid things, I want nothing to do with the same stupid goals that everyone wants at the end of the day, but I guess that's human nature right?
I'm gonna delete this stupid thing.
It's evolution time, it's revolution time.
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[26 Jan 2007|10:45pm] |
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on the might of princes |
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today has gone from bad to worse.
things are already so different, i dont trust anyone.
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[25 Jan 2007|10:05pm] |
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nothin worked out until now, i officially live at muslims and have my own room, things are looking up but i cant help but feel like i dont deserve anything.
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[17 Jan 2007|01:32pm] |
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i can not tell if things are good or bad right now lulz
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[08 Jan 2007|01:34pm] |
lifes a mess, as usual
if we havent talked lately than call me.
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[04 Jan 2007|02:38am] |
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i never thought id get as attached to my co workers as i did, but i guess seeing the same people day in and day out for almost 11 months will do that to you, when i hugged desiree goodbye she almost cried and when i drove away i realized that im gonan miss this job so much more than i ever imagined.
im in a bad mood 24/7 loly the only think keeping me sane and or happy is ff3 on the ds so thank you robby.
i move in 2 days, im more nervous than anything now, great.
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[01 Jan 2007|03:07am] |
tify was the most fun ever
i just got home from work at 3 am and i have to be there again in 6 hours, cool life.
my new years resolution is to not make any resolutions whoopz
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[26 Dec 2006|01:05am] |
i dont drink anything at all other than water anymore and i havent eaten meat in like a week and a half, thats cool i guess.
work was stupid tonight, i made less than 100 on christmas people are fucking disgusting
i move in 2 weeks all the little things are falling apart, daytona is on thursday, im too tired to really be excited, i work so much this week.
christmas was shit, i am not happy.
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rodstewart's journal